Meet the muttons.

I don't know if any of you guys listen to the radio. Much less 98.7 since it's a Singapore radio station. And there's this show from 8 pm to 12 pm called the Muttons at Midnight which is so so so hilarious.



Okay. Here's the thing. There are two guys, Justin and Vernon, known as the muttons, who are like the funniest people, trust me, they are. And there's this segment on the show called the 'Roast Muttons.' The thing about this segment is people call up the muttons and exchange insults with them. The person who runs out of insults loses and if you win, you get a phone. A very canggih phone, at that.



Cool huh. You insult people and you win a phone. It might sound dumb to you but it's really really funny.



"You're so ugly that when your mum gave birth to you, they called the X-files and CSI crew to arrest you."

"You're so fat that your mum is still giving birth to you."

"You're so fat that when you leave the beach they shouted 'THE COAST IS CLEAR!'"

"You're so stupid you're a kindergarten dropout."

"Justin’s so fat, when he told me his weight, I thought it was the phone number".

"You're so flat, an aeroplane landed on your chest."

"You're so fat that when I swerved to avoid you on the road, I ran out of petrol."



So there. Funny right? Right? It's so catchy, you start playing with everyone else around you. Even my mum was laughing hysterically to all their jokes. And come on, if my mum laughed along, these guys are surely something.



Ooooh. And Vernon can tell really awesome jokes. Here's one.


There are three guys at the toilet. First guy went into the cubicle, and when he came out, he washed his hands and used lots of toilet paper.

Then he looked at the other two guys and said, "I've been taught to be thorough."

Second guy went into the cubicle, came out, washed his hands and used one tiny piece of toilet paper.

He looked at the other two and said, "I've been taught to be environmental-friendly."

Third guy went into the cubicle, and when he came out, he didn't wash his hands, or use the toilet paper.

He then, smirked at the other two guys and said, "I've been taught not to piss on my hands."



Hahahahahahaha.

*hysterically laughing with teary eyes*



Sigh.


The muttons better pay me for this.

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p/s- The results are out on the 17th, which is like day after tomorrow. Damn. It's scarier when you put it like that. And so, this morning my personal message on msn was 17171717171717171717. And Edwin was like, is that your age? wtf man wtf.

"We read to know that we are not alone." ~C.S Lewis

I've been reading reading reading and I have fallen in love with so many books and I almost forgot how different good books smell and this are good stuff good stuff read and read and smile and laugh and cry and regret they ended so fast cause you wish they lasted longer.


All this while I haven't been just hungry, I've been hungry for books.



"Jennifer Aniston and Her New Man'" I read the words aloud uncertainly. "What new man? Why would she need a new man?"

"Oh yes." Nicole follows my gaze, unconcerned. "You know she split up from Brad Pitt?"

"Jennifer and Brad split?" I stare up at her, aghast. "You can't be serious! They can't have done!"

"He went off with Angelina Jolie. They've got a daughter."

"No!" I wail. "But Jen and Brad were so perfect together! They looked so good and they had that lovely wedding picture and everything...."

"They're divorced now." Nicole shrugs, like it's no big deal.

I can't get over this. Jennifer and Brad divorced. The world is a different place.


Rememeber me?
~Sophie Kinsella



"In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; its the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future."


Change of heart
~Jodi Picoult



"Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me? I think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."


Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
~Jonathan Safran Foer



"Women change, Harry," Eamon said, leaning back, getting expensive. "What you have to understand is that at different times in her life, a woman is like the world."

"How's that?"

"Well, from thirteen to eighteen, she's like Africa - virgin territory. From eighteen to thirty, she's like Asia - hot and exotic. From thirty to forty-five, she's like America - fully explored but generous with her resources. From forty-five to fifty-five, she's like Europe - a bit exhausted, a bit knackered, but still with many places of interest. And from fifty five onwards, she's like Australia - everybody knows it's down there somewhere, but very few will make the effort to find it."


Man and wife
~Tony Parsons



And now I'm going to start on One for my baby by Tony Parsons.


I've never been more pleased with myself. =)))

It could be (a), (b) or (c).

1. I didn't have time to update my blog because:


(a) I had fun during the holidays.

(b) I was lazy.

(c) All of the above.



2. During the holidays:


(a) I met up with friends.

(b) Spent one hour maximum trying to read up on chemistry.

(c) All of the above.



3. I came back one day earlier from JB because:


(a) I thought my apartment would be a more conducive place to study.

(b) I guess it's more inspiring to blog here than to study.

(c) All of the above.



4. On my way back here:


(a) I had to endure six hours of controlling my bladder.

(b) I got drenched in rain and I'm having a fucking migraine now.

(c) All of the above.



5. Right now:


(a) I could throw a chicken on Benny's face.

(b) I could use some nice coffee.

(c) All of the above.



6. If you ask why I could throw a chicken on Benny's face:


(a) I don't like the chicken.

(b) Benny was a naughty naughty boy.

(c) All of the above.



And, ladies and gentlemen, if you had picked the answer (c) for every question above, you're absolutely right!


*Claps*



And here's explanation for question number 6:


тнαяαиι says:
heyy

тнαяαиι says:
how was the holidays?

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
apa lu mau

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
sangat stress la

тнαяαиι says:
oops sorry

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
ingat boleh rehat

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
ibubapa pergi bercuti

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
saya di rumah sibuk masak, cuci baju, cuci tempat anjing

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
pungut tahi anjing

тнαяαиι says:
poor thing

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
saya perlu pigi lipat baju saya

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
bye bye

тнαяαиι says:
have fun

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
saya hanya on9 untuk lihat e-mel

тнαяαиι says:
sorry la

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
itu bukan fun

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
itu susah

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
mau study pun tak boleh

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
saya ambil itu ct3 chem

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
satu perkara saya pun tak tau

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
sudah mati lo

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
saya mau bye bye

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
bye bye

тнαяαиι says:
bye

[{(Ben~Jam~In)}] Leong says:
cakap dgn u pada hari isnin



Grrrrr. Geramnya.

If a picture says a thousand words, I say a million.

Ignore the title of the post. I'm just being very perasaan because some people actually told me that that my blog is not inspiring enough because I seldom post pictures.


Do remember that you are not obliged to read my blog and losing one reader who thinks my blog is not interesting enough just because I don't post bloody camwhoring pictures of myself in thick make-up and show off my oh-so-fake blonde hair, will not make the whole world crash on me okay.


And, in this blog, pictures don't speak. Tharani does.



Anyway, here are some really amusing pictures and no, it is not of me and my hawt ang moh boyfriend.

Evolved sperms. This picture reminds me a lot of Chuan Shinn and his degenerated-two-headed-no-tail-sperms. (inside joke)

Oh yuck.

Just laugh.

I love this one the most. Sigh. Curiosity.

On a completely unrelated note, happy mother's day, mum.

Illogical logic.

I got this through an email and I thought it really deserves a spot on my blog.


It's an interview with a doctor. (Apparently.)



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life - Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will doing sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



*And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways: Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'*



*AND.. For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.*



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.




~Bloody lame.

Quintessentially Malaysian.

Chemistry common test was today. And..


Bloody hell.


Screw chemistry. Screw the damn paper.



There I was spending the whole night sitting in front of my chemistry books, cramming facts into my minuscule brain.


2 tsp NESCAFE + 2 tsp C6H12O6 + 2 tsp COFFEEMATE + 1/2 cup hot H20 = 6 and the 1/2 hours of chemistry all night which was also supposed to be equals to answering the paper with ease and scoring good grades.


But no, looking at the paper this morning all I had to say was FUCK. Every single thing there seemed Greek to me and the essay was about some stupid protein-coagulating-crap which I had absolutely no idea on. Shit.


I totally screwed it up.



Anyway, look what I found.

Comparison of cornflake packages: Koko Krunch vs Choc Crunchies, Honey Stars vs Honey Twinkies.



What kind of name Honey Twinkies is supposed to be? Choc Crunchies? WTF? First of all, which idiot actually buys imitation cereals? And stupid Malaysian people so cekap enough to come up with wonderful names like Honey Twinkies. You think people want to buy your stupid imitation products ah? Some more with names like that.


What's next? The imitation of Krispy Kreme would be called Creepy Cunt.


The imitation of Coke will be Cock. "Wanna a sip of Cock-A-Cola?"


Baskin Robbins will become Best-Nya-Robbing.


Way to go, Malaysians.



MALAYSIA BOLEH! Everything also boleh.

Sexuality.

Thanks to Edwin and Sha-maine and their almost-deaf-ears because that's what inspired me to blog about this.



"You know Zack's friend?"


"Huh? Sex friend?"

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"Four."


"Huh? Fuck?

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No. I'm not going to blog about sex.



It's sexuality.


The sexuality that we all have so much hype about. Pointing almost at every boy saying, "I think he's gay."


And poor boys, because when they hold hands, we immediately label them as gay not bothering even if the guy is holding his father's hands.



Heterosexuals.


~A person who gets attracted to the opposite gender.


Normal people, as I would label.


Or, a person who has yet to realise he's gay, according to somebody I shall not mention.


Heterosexuals are what most of us are. A person building images of Santa Claus in a surgical mask would be called a heterosexual too, I think. Hehe. An inside joke.



And then, we have the Homosexuals.


~By far the most common after heteros, these people enjoy seeing their own sex naked.


They find the idea of guy-on-guy or girl-on-girl rather appealing.


Weirdest people of all, if you ask me. I mean, kissing a guy rocks, but kissing a girl? Can't even bring myself to think about it. Odd people. Really really odd people.



The Bisexuals.


~The hippies and freestylers. They like both. Their sex and the opposite sex.


Makes me wonder how desperate can these people get.


"She's hot and God, her boyfriend is too."



Worst of all, we have the Pansexuals.


~Freaking sex maniacs. They like both sexes and well, EVERYthing else too. As in animals and inanimate objects too.


Tell me, how more desperate can anyone get?


"Ooooh. The dog was good. Now, time to try on the carrots."



The most nuts of them all, the Asexuals.


~They abstain from reproducing completely. Or artificial reproduction.


Normal people look at good-looking people and say, "He/she is sexy." They look at nothing say, "That's sexy."


Sickos.



Then, some guys are Metrosexuals.


~A straight man who embraces the modern lifestyle, i.e. refined tastes in clothing, excessive use of designer hygiene products, etc. Doesn't mind guys fantasizing about him but find the idea of guy-on-guy repulsive.


These people get excited when you tell them, "Hey. A guy just said that you have nice six-packs." But they find gays weird. They think it's stupid to make out with the same sex but they like it when the same sex tell them something nice.


Weird, too. But it's hard to be a metrosexual. Not many guys fuss about clothes ALOT.



Finally, the Ubersexuals.


~These Ubersexuals are the epitome of manhood with the understanding of all the sophistication and fine things in life.


Ubersexuals closer to home include,




my boyfriend.

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Sigh. Bloody lame post.

Tickling your funny bones

It's true what they say, small innocent things bring a smile larger than a joke. Check this ridiculous signboards and you'll see why.




Is it the sign with the sharp edges or the signboard? Anyway, just be careful in case you want to hug the signboard or something, it might prick you.




Parents, take notice of this. Ignore your chidren and they will be swinging across bars and jumping through rings like professionals.





Safety warning. I mean, you really would not want to fall into the animal's cages because if they eat your disgustingly poisonous body, they'll die! And the next day, the headlines of the papers will be, "LION DIES AFTER EATING THE STOMACH OF A MAN WHICH SUPPOSEDLY CONTAINED CHICKEN AND HAM SANDWICH."

Left! No, keep to the right! Wait, turn to the left. I mean, to your right! What the-? CRASH!!!!!

Erm. It's true, actually. Maybe they should put up such a sign in all public toilets. It'll definitely make a huge difference.

Cigarette buds. On the floor. Burning customers hands and knees. Is this bar for really short people or something?

The best reason I've ever came across. Students should use this method, really. "Teacher, my homework is unfinished because it is incomplete."

This is my all-time favourite.

(Ah, leganya.) Finally, owning a licence to fart. We all should get a PhD in fartology. To learn the art of farting in all aspects. Just wonderful.

I have got nothing to say. But don't you think that almost every guy who sees this will imagine this poor child fifteen years later?

Say "TAK NAK" if you want to end up like the 400 000 people who died from cigarettes.

Say "NAK" if you want to be like 40 million other people who are enjoying themselves with Malboro!

This is what I would call boob stereotyping. How unfair is that? Anyway, for the A's, stay away!

Apparently, there would be water on the roads when it rains. A great discovery, don't you think? But, seriously, I think this signboard reminds me a lot of myself especially when my brain doesn't function so well.

(-_-)"